"Redemption" Bob Marley & the Wailers

This week is about integrity.

It is important to know when you will bend.

We are all whores, but you need to know your price.

"Wish You Were Here" Pink Floyd

And did you exchange
a walk-on part in the war
for a lead role in a cage?

"The Last Song" All American Rejects

Hopefully today's meeting was the last about this job. He said he'd called the 'bean-counters' and lobbied heavily in my favor. "Can we meet him halfway at least?" I appreciated this. This was to earn my trust. He then appealed to my perceived inexperience by saying, "You're making a very big mistake." He then appealed to my ego by saying, "I know by your DNA that you'll feel hollow if you returned to your old job. You have a great deal of pride in your work. The reason you had this opportunity in the first place is because of your work ethic and intelligence." He then called me an "Indian giver" and turned around and he then used intimidation by saying, "I don't know if anything else will come up for you, we're a very petty and vindictive department." He made a comment about me missing the bus and maybe this spot will be already taken by somebody else.

People who've made it in this company are people who are competent, persistent, but ultimately unambitious. Their success is attributable to their ability to slide into the status quo, their advancement is the result of a sequence of accidents that finds them at the right time at the right place. For a company this size, whose financial philosophy is very conservative, this structure works well. Improvements are made on a glacial pace, as a matter of evolution. Shifting paradigms is not in their interests. They cannot take these risks.

What I've learned about myself: If ego is unjustified confidence, then mine is big. There's no reason for me to believe I will be successful in a job whose prerequisite skills are nowhere to be found on my resume. But I just believe that I can. I was not intimidated by any part of this process and I'm proud of myself for that. I also saw an extremely competitive part of me that sometimes clouded my better judgement. I sometimes wanted to win so badly that I lost sight of the issues and interests that were on the table. I need to keep this in check because it's a hazardous quality in these situations. I realized that I can get stressed out and overworked, but that something switches right before showtime. I'm interested more in being respected than liked, but I also learned that it hurts me a great deal when people don't like me. I've found another tone in my voice, a stronger firmer one. I realized my patience is selective. I have a great deal with people I like. I have very little for those I don't. I realized that it is possible to fight for what I want and stay respectful.

"Nos Da Cariad" David Gray

I haven't felt as good as I did today in a very long time. The following are responsible:

1. Spoke with J. in the morning and yes, I will visit her in Philadelphia. I'm very excited. I can't wait to drink wine with J. And then to wake up early and do crossword puzzles.
2. Had a meeting at 9am with my boss's boss's boss's boss. She said I should not be short-sighted, said I should consider the opportunities, said she could not disrupt the equity of compensation for the group. I agreed with her and said I have thought of all of that. She said, perhaps I should think about it. I said, "I think I've already given you my answer." I had already declined it. "I cannot justify to myself working 60% more to receive just a 10% increase. I'm not comfortable with that." It feels good to say no to money. I hope this months-long fiasco is done. I've received attention because of all of this. My next step is to lay very low for the next 2 months.
3. The sun came out and it was windy. I felt with the right apparel I could fly away. Exactly two years ago, I arrived in Hanoi. I miss being out.