"Baby Britain" Elliot Smith

Oh boy, what a mess, this stuff on my hands. I hope it wasn't premature when I said I had avoided all trauma that could've pushed me over the edge. Said that about a month and a half ago to a woman taking anti-depressants for four years.

According to the tests, I am in very good shape.

A friend drove by and said, "You're like digging at the sand and you think there's something 150 feet deep."

And I thought, "Why dig when I can just lay out?"

There was no traceable signs of parasites in my stool.

I never feel ready for shit, and yet here they come marching my way. I thought it was going to happen tonight, in the middle of a room, people sweating all over me, me breathing their nitrogen, and me in the corner, half-naked and chest heaving, the shape of my face narrowing and then I said to myself, "Who is this?" And I did not recognize the man in the mirror, the narrower face, the weirder right eye.

The last time this happened, I saw horns coming out of my brow, and my pupils elongated.

Before then, it was at my apartment and the shadows came and I found myself curled up into a ball in the corner of the room.

I don't have any STDs. I'm not diabetic, not hypoglycemic.

I said I'm not interested in distractions, but I fear what I may discover once I shake everything off. The instinct is to run, I've been told, to stop the system and evacuate. And if I could just be in that hut, on the bed, with a big bottle of water, some fruit and cigarettes and a thick book. The way I must cope with the factors in this world, those things I perceive threatening; I cannot do enough yoga, or drink enough water, or talk to my friends. I am continually having to improvise defenses and I don't know if I'm going to run out of ideas.

And I want to stop saying, "I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK."

I want to believe, truly believe that I am a man worthy of love, not as a reward for my goodwill, or for my successes as an employee, a traveler, a son, a friend. Love is not a consequence, it is a right.

And they said my heart is slow. My strong, strong heart that beats 60 bpm.