"Olsen Olsen" Sigur Ros

I've known for quite some time now that everything I've always wanted to know I've known from birth. It's that thing that I feel in the stomach. It leads me down lit paths and some dark ones. It allows me to trust some strangers but not others. But as I got older, it was also this sense that experience and supposed wisdom began to challenge. The answer is to unlearn what we know, to strip away the fears and assumptions that eventually weighed down and muffled this guiding force.

Jared was a barista at Diedrich's. I've known him for two years but we've exchanged less than a hundred words to each other. My earphones and menacing I'm-working-right-now glare has precluded a more involved rapport. He got another job, I think at a Vans store somewhere south but tonight I saw him again behind the counter.

"What are you doing here? I thought you left."

"I did, but I'm back."

"Since when?"

"December."

I keep fighting for what I don't have. Keep wanting the unattainable. And it seems a bit silly now that in the presense of so many obstacles, I continue to choose self-deprivation.

"Where have you been? Haven't seen you around 'til recently."

"Yeah, I work downtown, in LA, so it's hard to get over here."

What I wanted to say, but what the established boundaries of our relationship could not allow was, "I'm sure it's nice to be where it's comfortable."

I will be turning down an opportunity to make more money, to increase my profile, to be in charge of something important. And in weighing out the pros and cons, it was the intangible gut feeling that tipped the scales. I am turning down a challenge and this is not in my nature. I am backing down and this hurts my pride. I am declining an offer and those around me won't understand. And in a way, I also don't understand it, but understanding is not always necessary for knowing.